The ABC’s of Change: Acknowledging and Breaking the Cycles of Despondency

I recently found myself noticing that every September for a while now, I had been undergoing some life altering scenarios  and inevitably I would survive these thrust upon needs for change by going with whatever the universe gave me to do, rather than choosing my path and forging a new way of doing things. I initially noticed it, thought it was interesting, but had soon forgotten it because it wasn’t based off of any empirical data. It was just something that seemed true, and seemed like a interesting cycle. 

A few days went by from that enlightenment, and I found myself getting weird friend requests from people who were friends of friends on Facebook but not people I actually knew. Well one of these friend requests led me to search that person’s profile and I was shocked and intrigued by what I saw. This young lady had on her profile about 10 different social media outlets and expressions of leaving her mark, to include the usual suspects of Instagram, Twitter, and a couple of YouTube pages, but she also had a Shopify page, a LinkedIn page, a couple of adult website pages, as well as a Blogspot page. Each one of those pages had been used at some point in the recent past unless the page had been closed because the platform was no longer in use. But what I immediately noticed about it all, was that here is someone putting her hands to do something or some things in order to cast a big enough net to garner her success. It was like she was leaving no stone unturned, and as the Bible states in Ecclesiastes 11:6 (AMP) “ Sow your seed in the morning and do not be idle with your hands in the evening, for you do not know whether morning or evening planting will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both alike will be good.” It was the biggest “Aha moment” I could’ve received. Here is this woman putting her hands to the work on whatever mode she could get her hands on and not only was she working these platforms, but she was also doing it diligently.

Next, I found myself going to her blog pages just to get an idea of the type of content she was creating, and once again I was not only inspired by what I read, but I was simultaneously embarrassed and challenged to get off of my privileged, entitled ass and do something. From reading her blogs, I saw someone who didn’t get hung up on being perfect. Instead, I was introduced to a young lady who was hungry for success, and she wasn’t going to allow some grammatical errors or some damn spelling errors to stop her from sharing her voice and planting her seeds of possibility. Most of what I read was difficult to read from the scholastic or dialectical perspective, but for what it was, I appreciated it. It was her. It was raw, uncut emotion and expression of who she was. I could immediately see “Her”, and concurrently envied how she had found “her voice” and wasn’t afraid to use it. 

Here I was. A man with so much confidence and pride in my intellect, wisdom, and discernment but yet all those things I believed I had were being shown, in that instance, to be a lie, a farce. For all of the things I claimed or believed I had to offer the world, the one thing I sorely lacked was the courage to do it. I looked at that young ladies body of work and wondered to myself, “What the hell are you doing Kevin?” Here I sit on all of this intellect and opportunity, and yet I do nothing. I drain my time with frivolity and idleness and then renew that belief about myself, or should I rather say, that false narrative about myself, that I could do anything if I wanted to but that was a lie. Because there was one thing that I couldn’t do, and that one thing had the biggest ramification on the trajectory of my life, and that was: I couldn’t create more time. I just couldn’t. I realized right then that all I could do was redeem the time that I had been given NOW and allow the chances, circumstances, and serendipities of life to sort themselves out. 

My tasks had finally become clear. My job was for me to put my hands to the plow and work fastidiously in my own garden until my harvest was fulfilled, which led me to scan once again the long list of things this young lady was doing and I subsequently landed on her blogspot link. It was upon seeing this link one more time that I realized that I too had a Blogspot page, which is now known as Blogger.com and I became aware that I had been neglecting my own self-expression for the past 9 years if not the majority of my life. I have no idea why I abandoned it for as long as I did other than maybe it was procrastination, or fear, or underestimating the value of what I had to offer, but nevertheless the act of self-sabotage had been done. So as I opened up my own Blogger page, I was led to one of my first ever posts that was written almost 12 years prior to the day in September. As I reread what I had written so long ago, I actually was mildly shocked by what I read. I was only mildly shocked because, like I mentioned earlier, I had already become aware of the cycle and pattern I had fallen victim to, or that I even brought on myself, but this time I had the evidence right there staring me in my face in black and white. That post from September 28, 2012 placed me right back at the same point I found  myself at currently at. Back then as it was now, I needed to make a decision to change. I had to stop doubting my worthiness and abilities, as well as stopping the procrastination behind doing the work necessary to make that change. However, this time I had history and my personal experiences on my side. Reading that blog post was a stark realization that if I didn’t make the necessary changes now, I may never make them. Without making those changes I knew  right then that my life would be an ultimate failure and tragedy. Not because I lacked the right upbringing, or because I didn’t have the resources to make things happen, or I lacked the intellect to execute towards my success, but rather because of fear, pride , and cockiness that tomorrow is promised. And as most people who have lived through this Coronavirus pandemic, then you know that life beyond today needs to be handled with care and purposefulness. I now see that life is delicate, unpredictable, and even dangerous just to be breathing, but it doesn’t have to be hopeless and fearful. TODAY is the gift I got when that young lady sent me that friend request. It was the gift of making the most of “Today”. Some say that tomorrow isn’t promised and for the most part that’s true, but a better tomorrow is within grasp if you only learn to appreciate, respect, and love the shit out of Living Today!

Finding the Pause Button In Life

If we all took a look at our lives, most of us would come to the conclusion that we do what we want to do. No matter how busy, lacking, or unsure we believe our lives are, we will find a way to do the things that we want to do. However, when it comes to stopping long enough to find a quiet moment for prayer, Scripture reading, or reflection

Coming to Terms with What You Bring to the Table

I recently made some major decisions that has and will not only affect me, but it will also affect my family as well and these decisions have had me questioning whether or not I have anything to offer this life since these decisions were strictly about me changing and transforming me from what I've been to what I believe God has called me to be.

Last night I rented a movie called Revolutionary Road, starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. The movie in itself has some significance to this blog, but I think the way I ended up renting the movie in the first place is just as intriguing as well.

First off it was almost 11 o'clock at night when I decided to abruptly get out of my bed and go to the store to either get a chocolate muffin, or some Oreo's. I was reading a book entitled "A Man After God's Own Heart", when I drifted off to sleep for about ten mintues. When I awoke, this craving for something chocolate was sparked or should I say re-sparked. You see, when I left church yesterday, someone gave me three muffins to share with my family, 2 chocolate and one carrot spice. As soon as I got them I handed them off to my wife because my pastor had just asked me to pray for someone in our church with him. Mind you , this has never happened before, that as I walked out of the warehouse where we worship on Sunday mornings, my pastor met me with a handshake, as he does most people who leave out of that door after service, but this time he leaned into me and said, "I want you to stick around a while and pray with me for someone". I not only felt honored to be recoginzed, but to be recognized as an asset when it was time to pray for someone. That was a very humbling, yet very exciting feeling. I was stoked that on the church level, I would get a chance to operate as a contributing part of that ministry. Come to find out, my pastor didn't invite me to pray with him over this young man, but to pray over this young as he and another pastor stood in support. Needless to say, God knows what each of us needs and when we need it. Because even though the young man knew he needed prayer, God knew I needed to feel like I had something to contribute to His body, He used that moment to remind me that I do have something to offer. And believe it or not, that isn't even the crux of this blog, because God was using the events that followed this one, to prompt the late night chocolate run and even more purpose being discovered. Well back to the muffins. When I got to the car after the prayer session, I was shocked to see that my wife had given the muffins to the children without any instructions other than, hold these for me, but what made the situation a situation at all is that my children happily chose to eat both of the chocolate muffins, as my wife says to me, "I thought they were all chocolate". I thought the desire for a chocolate muffin would eventually pass, seeing that I had no idea that I would be receiving them in the first place, but for some strange reason, I found myself putting my clothes on at 10:45 at night saying to myself, "Forget this, I need to go get something chocolate".

I ended up going to the 24 hour Wal-mart where I decided on Oreo's instead of the muffins, but as I left I went over to the Redbox just to see what was there. Nothing much at 11:30 at night, but there was this one movie that caught my eye and I settled on the aforementioned Revolutionary Road. The story found in this movie was about a couple in the 50's who had fallen into the rut and routine of the mundane. Being a young couple of 3o something, the wife presented her husband with the idea of pursuing his dream of returning to Paris and finding his purpose while she worked and supported the family. He received this proposal, and was just as excited as she was to finally make a decision, and begin to live again.

Enter in my intro, and the decisions that I prefaced at the start of this blog. My wife and I just recently made some similar decisions back in April of 09. I walked away from a teaching job that I was absolutely unhappy with, and we decided to walk by faith. Having had a recent history of dissatisfied working expereinces, my wife recognized and really urged that I reassess working from home even if that meant she found her first job outside of the home in 7 years. Just like on the movie, the excitement and thrill of the unknown consumed us and all we could see was the necessity to grab hold of really living while it was still yet in reach, before things had progressed for too long and we became too indoctrinated by the ugly indifference of the common, the average, the settled.

If you have not seen this movie, I highly recommend it even though it IS NOT a children's movie. It does include some sexual situations, some brief nudity, and profanity. The emotions in this movie are raw and very real to what I have experienced as a result of my decision, including some doubts about the decision.

But the one thing that I pray is different in my approach to my decision as opposed to the main characters of this movie, is that I have the courage and fortitude to escape the hopeless emptiness that acccompanies a life that has reserved itself to one of indifferent insignificance. I thank God because He has been reminding me, even up til yesterday at church that I do have something to offer this world, and the Revoltionary Road was a wake up call to the pitfalls that can befall someone who has finally stood up to say, "Here is what I bring to the table Lord; a willing heart and the courage to stand up and step out. And Lord please use it to make a difference in my world and the world around me".

Conversations with God

This is my first blog and I am hoping dear Father, that you will guide me in every attempt I make to communicate how you have proven to me that I am, "The Expressed Favor of God". Father God, in the name Lord Jesus, please search me, and uncover the hidden things of my life that will bring you glory. Allow it to be all of you and absolutely none of me. Father we have been on this journey for a very long time. As a matter of fact, you chose me, even before I was known, and You had me to make Your acquaintance and trust You, based solely on Your providence and Your good pleasure. I often remind myself of the many ways and times that You have intervened, intercepted, and pre-compensated for the errors of my ways, but You love me nonetheless. Thank-You. Not only for what You've done, but for who You are. The immutable God, the Everlasting Father, the Redeemer of my soul, O' Ancient of Days. In addition to all of that, You are. I love You Lord, and may your glory pour out of me like never before. Jesus, You have my total permission, my complete submission, and my full attention, to be used by You however You decide. Your loving child and friend.